The Morning Tweets

“Good morning, Mr. President.”

“Good morning Sean. And it is a good morning, an American morning, a good American morning.”

“I trust you slept well, sir.”

“Fantastic. Like a baby. I always sleep like a baby, sound, so sound you can't hear a pin drop.”

“Have you composed your morning tweets yet, sir?”

“I tried, over breakfast – fantastic breakfast, by the way, best eggs ever, must be American, American chickens lay the best eggs – but I drew a blank. Nada. Big fat nothing. Sad. I may actually need your help, Sean, but only in a very, very minor way.”

“OK, sir, let's see. How can we help the media distract the country today?”

“Very easy to do, they are so dishonest, most dishonest human beings ever – the mainstream, failing media, that is. As opposed to me, most popular president in the history of presidents, champion of the truth and whatever facts are handy.”

“You could attack another celebrity.”

“Could. Too easy. America hates celebrities, fake celebrities, not reality celebrities like me.”

“How about foreign policy? An inflammatory tweet about China or Germany plays well domestically and gets all the international pundits riled up.”

“But not Russia. They are so great. Remind me to send an Edible Arrangement to Vladimir. He particularly likes the strawberries, you know.”

“OK, noted.”

“You know Sean I've been thinking. Sharks. Sharks get people's attention. They're predators, like me in business, only with more teeth. People love sharks. Sharknado and all that. I could tweet about welcoming sharks to our shores. I hear they're good for the economy.”

“That's one option...”

“Oh and about the economy. I think we need an executive order to eliminate all this digital music I hear about. iTunes and all that. Isn't that Apple? Hate that company. It's all made in China. Anyway, isn't digital music taking jobs away from Americans who manufacture records?”

“Um, I don't think there are many American companies making records anymore sir.”

“Exactly! Apple's digital music has cost America jobs!”

“You may be thinking of CDs, sir. That's the physical format being replaced by digital music.”

“Those are the small record albums? The shiny ones? Whatever. Digital apples are taking away American jobs manufacturing CBs. I could tweet about that.”

“Yes you could, sir.”

“And what's this Netflix thing? Isn't that taking away jobs at American television stations and networks? You won't find my show flowing...”

“Streaming, sir.”

“...OK, sure, streaming. We need to bring back jobs in American television, but not in the news. Dishonest people, fake. Entertainment, that's what the American people want. Like on Fox. Or real entertaining shows like 'The Apprentice' and 'Dancing with the Stars.' Do you think they'll let me on that one now that I'm president?”

“I don't see why not, sir.”

“Trade. Trade tweets drive the dishonest mainstream media crazy. I know, let's raise tariffs on California. Millions of people there voted illegally for Crooked Hillary.”

“California is a state, sir. We don't regulate interstate commerce.”

“How about the wall? Whenever I tweet about the wall I get tons of retweets. Huge.”

“That's always a distracting subject, sir.”

“But not with Mexico. That's so over. Time to move on. We need another wall. How about China? A wall to keep out China. They won't know what hit them. They know nothing about walls, the Chinese.”

“I don't think we share a border with China, sir.”

“We don't? What about Alaska? Sarah said she could see China from her house.”

“I believe that was Russia, sir.”

“That reminds me, Sean, send some avocados to Vladimir, he loves them, he really does. Just make sure they aren't from California or Mexico, such terrible places. Sad.”